Screaming For Vengeance

August 16, 2009 at 11:32 pm (But I Didn't Shoot The Deputy!)
Tags: , ,

Okay, I was just watching the United-Birmingham game today, and I decided that enough is enough. No, I was not full after stuffing myself with a chocolate brownie. I had had enough of players who are sneaky and deserve to have their balls chopped off. I have also had enough of players who are absolute scumbags. The list, put out henceforth, is opinion-based only, and the players will be categorized accordingly.

The order in which they appear is not necessarily the order in which I hate them, but oh well…

1. Patrice Evra – Balls chopped off

Just looking at that ugly mug makes me want to puke. I’m not saying he’s a terrible player, just that his balls are dispensable. His work-ethic is good, no doubt. But more often than no, he scythes people off the ground. Then he lifts that detestable face up to the officials, and asks, in what he assumes is an innocent face, but is actually a good imitation of an Indian pig, as to what the matter is with his “good” tackle. Can never be forgiven for countless Stamford Bridge fracas, for which he ended up being punished. And good riddance to bad rubbish there.

2. Stephen Hunt – Balls chopped off

Another personal vendetta for Chelsea fans is to boo Hunt till he sinks into the ground, sorry for what he did. Courtesy is definitely not a word in this c*nt’s dictionary, guilty for smashin Cech’s skull in with his knee, yet even failing to acknowledge that he made a mistake and apologising to Cech. The smile with which he ran off afterwards, without so much as a rap on his knuckles from the FA, deserves to be toothless, hopefully from a nice punch some guy’ll give him. Nasty, nasty player.

3. Michael Brown – Balls chopped off

I doubt many people know this guy, but he’s played for Wigan before, and is now warming the bench at Fulham. Easily the player I hate most in the EPL. Sneaky tackler, ugly brawler, no respect for the opposing players, all add up to a terrible footballer and an even worse professional.

4. Paul Scholes – Total scumbag (On the pitch)

A classy player going forward. Defensively, he’s just as terrible. Terrible here doesn’t mean he can’t play. This guy has played in the league for 20 years, yet he has never learned how to tackle. He just raps most players across the knee, and then thinks he’s not committed a foul. Terrible tackles, and even worse attitude. Don’t know how people actually like him.

5. Ashley Cole – Total scumbag (Off the pitch)

Cheats on Cheryl Cole. Money-hungry. Does it get worse?

6. Javier Mascherano – Total scumbag (On the pitch)

Again, sneaky tackler. Maybe he’s a good thing for Liverpool, but I’ve always hated players like him. Dick up your ass, man.

1 Comment

The Elephant Man’s Alarm Clock

August 10, 2009 at 12:24 am (But I Didn't Shoot The Deputy!)
Tags: , ,

All my life, I’ve been building and destroying in equal measure. It’s like I thought I was God. Maybe I inspired the Enticer ad. The one with the “I Feel Like God” tag-line. It’s partially due to the fact that I was born with a nearly-silver spoon up my ass. And seeing that it didn’t need anymore shoving, I didn’t feel like I had to work for anything. So I started things anew, or destroyed whatever I had.

Case of point is that I loved playing with cookers when I was younger, and with a lot more flesh amidst my bones. Believe it or not, pressure cookers delighted me. Born mechie, or compulsive noise polluter? Both, probably. Seems I loved banging the two parts of a cooker together to make a huge din, and for hours on end.

Contrary to this, I had a huge collection of Lego blocks, which I don’t have now, due to my mother’s extreme generosity towards some brat. Lego blocks are a kind of puzzle-on-steroids things, for the ill-informed. I loved the stuff, and it was costly stuff TBH. You could build loads of things with it. Summer days would just fly past once you had something in mind to build, and a couple of friends to join in. We’ve made ships, fighter bases, Star Wars-style battle stations and lots of other shit, including some weird combinations of Lego + GI Joes.

As I got older, things never changed. I still liked the same kinds of things. Strategy games, the ones which had building in them rather than destroying. That ensured I loved games like Caesar, Knights and Merchants and Zeus, apart from the standard fare of AOE and AOM. I loved making empires out of my humble beginnings, and I loved order and structural formats. Roller Coaster Tycoon, I loved. Same with Zoo Tycoon. Once in a while, my destructive streak got the better of me and I deleted a part of the track on a roller coaster or a part of the fence in a zoo.

The roller coasters would crash to the ground, killing all the people, or the animals would run riot. I’ve also tried drowning people in ponds and lakes, and it works! You should try it out sometime, it’s fun :P

I built up my movie and music collection from scratch, with some help from my friends and parents too :)

I usually destroy people’s belief in their grammar and spellings by obsessing about each bit.

I love ensuring that people start a habit of reading non-academic books.

Hopefully, I’ve done something decent and worthwhile in my life, which does not include studies.

For all those who know me well, please help me out with this question. On a one-to-one basis, how much do you think I’ve changed from when I was in school, till now?

2 Comments

What?

August 3, 2009 at 8:52 pm (But I Didn't Shoot The Deputy!)

My dad always taught me to think that India can improve. But the truth is, it cannot. It cannot break free of the numerous shackles that bind it. It cannot break free from the ignorant and crass public that it houses. They think India is a whore which they can use, just by paying money in the form of tax, only for the pimps to get their money-grubbing paws onto the money and ravage the whore even further. Well, it’s true. I’ve known this country for 19 years, and I still do not know all of it. I love the country, but I hate the people. I even hate myself for not trying hard enough to help India. Because I know I’m going to leave the country and go away forever. Atleast I get rid of one more burden on this beautiful country, which is ruled and inhabited by selfish, fucking bastards.

The India Shining with which we delude ourselves, is sinking into a self-made pit of despair and nothingness. Or am I?

3 Comments

Running With The Devil

June 25, 2009 at 3:21 am (But I Didn't Shoot The Deputy!)
Tags: , , ,

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you as evidence in a court of law.

He chuckled, but he’d heard those words before in the cinemas. Now, as a recruit in the Force, it just felt like enacting a scene out of a movie. Only, this was a movie of his life. The bullet which would normally spout paint or sauce on reel would certainly hurt in real. That’s not counting all the rigorous training and the dangerous life a cop in Chicago had to go through. He thought he had nothing to worry, what with his background being clean…

He breathed a sigh of relief when the news came through that the car chase had resulted in a gun battle, which had ended with his friend escaping with just a flesh wound but DiMarco getting away. The police cars appeared to have surrounded the runaway car, but the gangsters seemed to have escaped miraculously with the driver supposedly having been aware of the intentions of the police. The car was to be later found dumped near a dilapidated brewery. He noted that his seniors were having furious discussions as to how the driver had managed to get the car away to safety…

The angry whine of the bullet stunned him. He certainly wasn’t prepared for a one-on-one. He ran around a few vehicles and managed to glimpse where his attacker was. Just when he was about to call for reinforcements, who had remained outside the lot, the shooter came face-to-face with him. For a second, both looked at each other, but the gunman’s shot hit him on the left arm. The only thing he could remember was an image of the man he’d known for ages legging it….

His quick rise in the Force was no surprise to anyone. He seemed to be a clairvoyant and guessed many things beforehand. Many of the Gang’s lower-level hoodlums had been put behind bars, in close encounters by him. It was no surprise to him either, considering the contacts he had…

He looked furtively along the length of the passage. Slowly, he walked to the door and opened it. A man was looking out of the window, a man who was as fit as a fiddle, yet with a few flecks of white in his hair. He’d taken the safety catch off the gun long before. At point blank range, he pointed the gun at the man’s back. Just as he did, someone hit him on the head and the last thing he remembered was the thud of a bullet hitting something…

As he came to, he was handcuffed and in the same room. A few policemen were looking at the lifeless body of their beloved Boss and some had tears in their eyes. One of his colleagues, noticing that he was awake, came up to him and, kicking him in the chest, said in a vicious voice,

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you as evidence in a court of law.

He smiled at the words. Those were the first and last significant words about the police force that he ever heard…

1 Comment

A Tribute To Super Frank!

May 27, 2009 at 3:49 pm (But I Didn't Shoot The Deputy!)
Tags: ,

Easily The Most Consistent Player In The World Over 2004-09

Easily The Most Consistent Player In The World Over 2004-09

I’m not writing this post just because Frank Lampard Jr. is the player I like most in the world, but because any sane Chelsea fan would say the same for this highly underrated midfielder that swells Chelsea’s might on the pitch. Ask any neutral what they like about Chelsea (which isn’t saying much because everyone is so busy hating Chelsea), and they would definitely say Captain Fantastic JT or The Drog. I agree they are good players, but they fail to see who actually pulls the strings for Chelsea. For me, Essien and Lampard are the 2 best players Chelsea have.

Most argue that Frank isn’t one of the greatest midfielders in the world just because he doesn’t perform at national level. It would be quite unfair to a player who has been a runner-up in the race for the title of best player in the world at one time, and a man who averages 20 goals a season for a club. 20 goals for any midfielder is a dream come true, and hardly any of them get even close to that total. Just goes to show you how important Frank is to the Chelsea cause. In the past 5 season, he has been everpresent for Chelsea, with only a few injuries bogging him down.

Statistics speak for themselves, don’t they?

Frank’s now averaged approx. 20 goals for a straight fifth season. In percentage terms, that’s equivalent to 0.39 goals for every game he plays in.  No wonder he’s the only Premier League midfielder alongside Matthew Le Tissier to have scored more than 100 goals.

It’s not just Frank’s goals either.  Alongside Dimitar Berbatov he boasts the most number of assists in the Premier League creating goals for everyone, especially Malouda, Drogs and Anelka who have thrived on the sharp angular passes that have set them loose on goal.

Even at the age of 30, he continues playing game-in, game-out for Chelsea. And he doesn’t just play, he produces some of the best performances of passing and creating goal-scoring chances for his team-mates. Now, who’s laughing about the £11 million we paid for him when we got him from the Hammers?

Lampard recently(2008) signed a new deal committing him to Chelsea for the next 5 years for a whopping £39 million . And let me tell you, at the rate Lampard keeps going, he isn’t going to stop playing even when he’s 35. As some great player remarked (I don’t remember who), Lampard is one of those players who can keep going till he’s 40. And for an outfield player who outruns his younger colleagues and never stops running to get a goal for a team, that is very remarkable. Again, any comments on why Lampard deserves the money he gets?

Most Chelsea fans are still baffled as to why he never got any nominations for any awards this year (PFA or FWA). Gerrard won the FWA award?! Gerrard probably beat out United boys Giggs(??~@#$) and Rooney for his hardware. The PFA list was even more hilarious. It featured six players, five of which resided in the red half of Manchester. Ludicrous? As Drogba would say, “It’s a fucking disgrace”.

Why Lampard has yet to win a PFA award is just as bemusing as his omission this time around. This year’s honor, which covers part of 2007-08 as well, should have been all Frank. It’s quite an easy argument, really.

This season, at the time of the announcement of nominations (mid-April), Super Frank had already punched home 19 goals from 46 appearances while adding 17 assists. That’s more than a goal every three matches, an astonishing tally for a midfielder. I have also read that Lampard, as of late April, had created 131 scoring chances for teammates — a number more than double that of Gerrard, who sat at 70. This was said to be a new Premier League record.

As of right now, Lampard has 20 goals and 20 assists in 67 starts in all competitions. Those are phenomenal numbers, my friends.

And remember, much of this was done with Chelsea imploding from nearly every angle. At one point, Scolari was sinking the ship; Drogba was nowhere to be found. And we were on the verge of plummeting down the Premier League standings. Maybe those drab performances through the middle of the season — seeing as votes have to be submitted by the end of February — skewed the eyes of voters. It should have been the opposite; this man continued to flourish while so many around him were floundering.

His performance in Chelsea’s 4-4 draw with Liverpool in the second leg of the Champions League quarterfinal was exquisite. Netting twice, the last of which capped the night, Lampard was superlative. He was, simply put, the star of the game of the season. If that’s not worth a nomination, I don’t know what is.

Over the past five years, I’d wager no player in the Premier League — native or foreign — has been as consistently good as Frank Lampard. This will be his fourth consecutive season with 20 goals. Let me break that down for you: 20 in 2005-06, 21 in 2006-07 and 20 in 2007-08. He netted 19 in 2004-05. Simply put, this kind of achievement is amazing. A midfielder with a 20 goals per season average? Crazy.

There it is. I rest my case. When it comes to Premier League performers, there are few — if any — better than one Frank Lampard.

Disclaimer: Some of this post has been copy-pasted from some of my favourite sites. I’m not claiming it to be my own. But I loved the way the guys expressed their love for the most consistent player on the planet.

3 Comments

Black Hole Sun

April 28, 2009 at 1:28 am (But I Didn't Shoot The Deputy!)
Tags: , , ,

Scene I : Curtain Falls

Man lying on a bed. He is in pain. Unimaginably cruel pain. He just had his chemotherapy session. It felt like his body was on fire. Painkillers only get you some relief. Pain, to a huge extent, is psychological. But not in cancer. Cancer is a vicious thing. It rips your body apart like nothing else, except HIV/AIDS. Pain in AIDS is due to other reasons, Cancer is the beginning and end to all your suffering. The man wonders how it all started. He vaguely remembers someone beseeching him to stop. Only, his drugged mind can’t recall what the damn person was talking about. The nurse enters and sticks him with a needle. He drifts off into a dreamless, but troubled, sleep.

Scene II : Time Before Intermission

Man sitting on a cot in a dingy dhaba. He is still contemplating his last call to his mom. His mom had warned him about getting into bad habits. He had got into one. Now he couldn’t get rid of it. He had tried, but the pressures of working as an assistant in a grocery store had taken its toll on him. He’d attempted to rid one by getting hooked onto something else, but it was just more baggage on his shoulders. It started to weigh him down. He wondered if it was actually bad. After all, other people do it all the time, and nothing’s happened to them. He assures himself that nothing will happen to him as God looks over him. That is what he has believed all his life…

Scene III : The Beginning

Man travelling by train. He gets into the first-class compartment. Blatantly ignores uppity people regarding rules of train travel. His job is going great guns and his decision to come to the City of Dreams has paid off, like it has for everyone else. So, cocksure and arrogant, man travels on the footboard of the train, delighted with the recent turn of events. He looks into the breast-pocket of his shirt. He takes out a thin white tube containing a tooth-paste like substance. He carefully squeezes it onto his palm. He takes out a paper packet containing some powder, takes a dollop onto the same palm containing the white substance. Expertly, with practised precision, he narrows his palm and rubs the heterogeneous mixture with the middle finger of his right hand. Another Perv Uncle besides me smirks, because perv things is all his tiny brain can think of. Even with all the rolling of the compartment, man balances carefully, and smacks and polishes his mixture. Then, making a ball of it, he places it between his lower teeth and lower lip. Then, with a pleased smile, he grins at all his co-passengers. Most people look disgusted, but man thinks the expression is pasted onto uppity people’s faces. Nothing can go wrong for him.

Scene IV : Time After Intermission

Doctor’s diagnosis is not good. Alcohol and tobacco have taken their toll. Man has red, bulging ulcers everywhere in his mouth. They look as if they can pop at any time. Man curses God and blames his bad luck. But the truth is, you take it. No one gives it to you.

P.S: I have tried experimenting with non-linear storytelling. Hope the story wasn’t obvious from the start. :)

P.P.S: Even more important than my blog is the fate of all those people who are addicted to pan masala, tobacco or any such other shit. If you have any relatives or family members who are into this, this is a warning for all of you.

6 Comments

« Older entries