The fever is upon the world. I doubt you’d even think I’m talking about the IPL, what with empty stands selling like hot cakes in SA, nor would Lok Sabha polls be on your minds. I’m talking fever in the literal sense, viral fever contracted from pigs. You heard me right, pigs. Don’t believe me? Look up your newspapers. Swine flu sounds la-di-da, but it is what you would call getting sick after frolicking with pigs.
What with South Park airing in India, with the necessary *beep*s every 1/1000th of a second, the first thing that comes to mind is Cartman with his “I’m a piggy and I have a snout”. Shows you just how popular pigs are in our culture. Every 3rd person is called a pig, and a pig immediately brings to mind a pink, plump creature with nice ears and a very wet snout. Americans connect pig only with a nice fat piece of meat on the table. Yet, our complacency towards these creatures of the mud has resulted in a nice soup for all of us. And I do not mean pork soup. I Do Not talk literally all the time.
Swine flu is in the air, pun intended. A guy who was probably looking for a nice fat pork chop for his enchilada touched a sick pig. Man caught the ‘flu. Other people came in contact with man’s saliva, breath or skin, got pig fever. Slowly started spreading to other Mexicans. Mexican government probably thought it was another conspiracy by the drug mafia at taking over their quesadillas and Salma Hayek (who is probably an American by now). So they were complacent and did not raid India’s “stockpile” of Tamiflu. India, surprisingly, has been stocking up on Tamiflu in case Swine Flu travels the Atlantic and the Indian or the Pacific to infect us perennially ill Indians. Also, it comes as a surprise because pigs are socially unacceptable in our circles, and it is considered to be downright rude for a pig to share a table with the family.
My dad was joking about how we’d never contract Swine Flu, or even Bird Flu, for that matter, because we’re resistant to all kinds of diseases. Well, I doubt the Chinese would contract the illness either, what with suffering no side effects from eating monkey brains. The least I’d thought would happen to them was they’d jump around in just their underwears and probably try to eat each other’s lice. Surprisingly, they have shown their vulnerability to the pink, plump viruses of the pig variety, and our case for being benign about a world pandemic has been duly chucked out of the window.
However, actors and actresses of Bollywood, along with the Elitist SoBo crowd, does not have any qualms about travelling to North America for their annual dose of Botox and nude Hawaiian chicks. Some of this points towards that swine flu seems to be considered a lower-class disease. Whenever viruses see the royal blood that seems to flow in the veins and arteries of the rich, they suffer from cold feet. It is evident from the fact that a certain Arsenal striker, Carlos Vela, seemed to escape his home nation without so much as a rhinovirus to his credit. Other celebrities, basking in the warm sun of Mexico City, seemed to miraculously avoid the disease.
Moving on,but sticking to the world of football, WAGs from the EPL club of Middlesborough decided they had to spread their infectious natures around the club. With Middlesborough already deep in relegation trouble, it was no surprise that the players weren’t in the mood to have sex, or even come near them. Probably saved them from pig fever, that the girls were suspected to be carrying, instead of their usual designer bags.
And finally, coming to the repercussions it’ll be having for India. For once, the vegetarians will be in with a reason to stop people from eating meat, and with the killing of those nice pink plump pigs. PETA will probably bring in more topless celebrities to oppose eating pork in the world. Kate Moss will probably pose with whatever is left of her body, and Oprah Winfrey might just about give everyone a peek. Back home, Maneka Gandhi will probably whine in all papers about how pigs are fed hay and how they should probably be fed Beluga caviar with some nice truffles. But that’s Maneka for you.
And to encourage strokes of brilliance in names, this is what a certain team of quizzers named themselves:
Pigs Fly, Swine Flu.
justpassingbyandwantacupofsugar said,
May 12, 2009 at 8:36 pm
Elitist SoBo crowd?? Hey, you know, according to a survey conducted by angry SoBo college students, more of the rich and perpetually airborne live in the ‘burbs. Quit generalising!! Aaaaaarrrrrghghghgh!!
Ashmita said,
May 12, 2009 at 11:35 pm
Hahahahaha!!
Another brilliant post by our true blogger
I swear to God, how to you get inspiration to write JUST before our sem exams?
I’ve been stuck with this story for the last 2 weeks.
But yea, about the pigs, feel bad for the lil guys. I mean, was never a fan of pork myself, but doesnt mean i didnt like those piggies. As if they didnt have enough problems with everyone stereotyping pigs as dirty, they have to splash on some more dirt(read Swine flu) about these guys..
I can now understand I’m writing utter crap. Trying to figure rectification on your own gets to you.
Until later
Oh, and still loving the style!
Ashmita said,
May 12, 2009 at 11:36 pm
Oh yes, and ‘Pigs on the wing’ gets into my head now.
pratap said,
May 15, 2009 at 9:54 pm
nice nice. Loved all of it
Best of luck for your exams saar!